At this late date, I'm amazed to learn that I didn't really know what the word meant.
Masturbation, noun: Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.
(Emphasis mine.) When I think of masturbation I think exclusively of manually stimulating oneself. However, it's pretty consistently used to also mean using your hands on someone else. I should have known there was another word for "hand job".
I have to say that being masturbated to orgasm seems, well, decadent. Luxurious. "I don't masturbate: I have people to do that for me."
Yes. I masturbate. I doubt this comes as a surprise, but my Partner in Crime probably doesn't think about it much. I wonder if it would bother her to know. I believe I've mentioned it before, and she didn't react negatively. Nor am I asking for permission: Unless she pitches a royal fit and threatens to divorce me, I'm going to keep doing it. I don't wish to rub her nose in it, so to speak (although some women like that :) ), but it's the only part of my sex life that she isn't there for, and I don't wish to keep secrets.
In order to convince me not to masturbate, she'd have to convince me that it does her harm--and that it's any of her business whether I do or don't. (In which case why am I sharing this information here?) I really think it's an unrealistic thing to ask of one's partner.
I occasionally worry, though, that it removes the urgency from my desire for her: Am I contributing to our infrequency of sex by satisfying myself alone as often as I do? Reason enough to stop, if I am. I'd hate to think that this letter to the Playboy Advisor could have been written by her:
Q. Shortly after my husband and I were married, I discovered that he derived great pleasure from reading pornographic literature, viewing erotic films and masturbating. It was probably the most devastating feeling I have ever had. I was naïve enough to believe that I was his only sexual outlet. This practice has continued over the years, even though we have had a good sex life...
(Emphasis mine. Sigh. So many letters from puzzled wives include that same phrase, almost verbatim: "...even though we have a good sex life...". If every woman who ever said "Why do you need to do that when you have me?" said it simultaneously, the very planet would shudder.)
Somehow, I feel as though I have been robbed of a great deal of sex. Now that we are older and my husband is no longer quite as virile as he used to be, it makes me very sad (and not a little bitter) to think of all the sex I missed as a result of his actions. What would you recommend to someone in my situation? -Mrs. N.W., Chicago, Illinois.
A. Sex is not a limited commodity. It is not something that should be put into a joint checking account, with both partners having to cosign bed checks. Your husband did not steal anything from you by masturbating-he was merely dealing with his own sex drive in an acceptable adult fashion. According to Morton Hunt, author of Sexual Behavior in the 1970s, 72 percent of husbands and 68 percent of wives masturbate with some regularity. … It you want more sex, the responsibility is yours.
Well, yes, I believe it's unrealistic for any wife to expect her husband never to touch himself-but I also believe that the Advisor's opinion matters a lot less than hers. I'd just like to be sure there wasn't any lingering resentment.
I will never choose to masturbate rather than have sex. But
most men masturbate. They do not do it out of any dissatisfaction with the women in their lives. They do it, well, because they can.
Questions from JackinWorld:
What do you think about female masturbation?
I'm all for it. What was I supposed to say? Only men should? Balderdash. I'd have to be some kind of world-class hypocrite to have any other reaction, wouldn't I?
Women can't expect men to touch something they're afraid to touch themselves. The healthiest advice I've read on the subject is this: An orgasm isn't something someone else gives you: It's yours.
Statistically, fewer women than men masturbate, and of those who do, women masturbate less frequently than men do. When the Playboy Advisor conducted a survey, they reported percentages of, I believe, 68% of women masturbate vs 72% of men. Pretty close.
How would you feel if you learned your sexual partner was masturbating without you?
Frankly, I'd be delighted. I'd be even happier if she'd masturbate with me.
Does she? Last I heard, no.
The last time I asked, she said she had tried it once, felt silly, and hadn't been tempted to do it again. (I was unclear whether she had actually made herself come.)
Obviously, I don't think it's silly at all, but she's not wrong for not doing it if it doesn't appeal to her. I think she's missing out, but it's not my place to insist that she do it.
I occasionally awaken suddenly with a throbbing erection and a half-remembered dream of fucking somebody, though usually I cannot remember who (darn it). I had the impression that if I had stayed asleep for another minute or two, it probably would have become a wet dream. (This impression is probably false. Wet dreams, the experts say, are a young man's problem, a consequence of too much testosterone.)
Usually, when this happens, I just masturbate to get it over with, then go back to sleep (having learned from experience that it's going to take an hour or more to calm down enough to get back to sleep if I don't). On very rare occasions, I am too lazy to get out of bed first: I masturbate while she is sleeping next to me.
Something seems fundamentally wrong with this, but I can't decide if she has reason to be offended or bothered by it. I can't think of a way to ask.
I'm assuming she'd rather I didn't wake her at 3 am to ask, "Hey, honey, you got a minute?"
:) I can't think of a way to ask that, either.
If you could have sex with the person of your choice whenever you wanted for the rest of your life, do you think you'd still masturbate?
No, I don't think I would. Let's try it and see.
[...continued...]
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