One of the first things I wrote that attracted attention here was my response to a post I saw at Sex on Tuesday, "40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women." In fact, I had so much fun composing snarky replies that Lily and Nedra have asked me to think about a companion piece about the mistakes Women make. Of course, Nedra said, women don't make mistakes, so it can't be a long list.
Right.
Well, most of the mistakes women make aren't easily definable. Making a list of all the ways men get sex wrong is a mistake in itself. Men and women come to sex with such wildly differing expectations that sometimes it's a wonder we ever fuck.
Men are more forgiving than women are. "Mistakes" don't matter to us. Women are process-oriented: Men are goal-oriented. Men don't have a detailed "right" scenario in their head that any deviation from is a "mistake". If you're actually fucking us, then there weren't any mistakes worth the name.
Which is to say, Nedra was right, but for the wrong reason.
Miscommunication.
"Don't stay up too late" is often a simple expression of concern that we get enough sleep. "How soon are you coming to bed?" means "I want you there while I'm still awake." Don't say it if that isn't what you mean.
Don't make us think too hard about "codes" like this. "I'm going to turn in early" could mean you had a hard day and you're legitimately exhausted. If you want us there too, you have to ask, "Are you coming?"
On second thought, screw subtlety. Just grab our dick. That's unmistakable.
"If you want to." When we say it, we genuinely care whether you want to. We know that sometimes you don't, and sometimes we can't tell. However, we always want to; we think it's obvious that we want to; and we assume you are aware of that. So when you say "I will if you want to", we think it can't possibly be meant at face value: we think you're really saying that you don't really want to, that you're going to endure it for our benefit, and that you're setting us up for you not having any fun. So when it goes wrong (as it inevitably will, if you don't want to), then it's our fault. We hate that.
"Have you taken out the trash yet?" is not an appropriate response when I cop a feel. Don't take advantage of "together time" to tell me about all the household chores that need doing. It just gives me the idea that sex is one more chore for you. Is that what you meant? (Note: Certain questions are okay, if they relate to preparing for sex. "Are the doors locked?" "Are the kids asleep?" "Did you slip Mom the pentothol?" and "Is the cucumber fresh?" are examples of appropriate questions.)
I don't want my last thoughts, or yours, to be that we postponed sex in order to do the god-damned dishes.
"Unzip me?" I've never understood this. Do you genuinely need help getting out of your clothes? Why would you wear clothes you couldn't get out of?
Helping you out of your clothes is a form of foreplay. Don't ask us to help you undress unless you're going to let us fuck you--or unless you genuinely are stuck / tangled in your clothes.
Speaking of taking off your clothes: You worry too much about looking silly. There's not a man alive who cares in what order you take off your clothes. If you're considering fucking us, you shouldn't be embarrassed to have us see you in an odd state of undress.
Personal grooming 1: Nails. Don't wear your fingernails long unless you know your partner is into "battle scars". Most of us aren't.
Personal grooming 2: Legs. Although women's legs may lack the abrasiveness of men's beard stubble, you more than make up for it with surface area. We know you're aware of that, you complain about it enough when you're shaving. Try to imagine if our chins were three feet long.
We'd prefer leg hair to leg stubble.
"Alone at last." If we're alone together for an uninterrupted hour and we're not having sex, I consider it time wasted. This is not to say that we don't enjoy talking to you, just that we want you to be as sensitive to opportunities as we are.
Stopping for a break. Most men realize -- or can be taught -- that women's arousal does fall off quickly when we pause in our foreplay. Women, we understand, can neck and grope, be legitimately and even intensely aroused, then very quickly direct their attention elsewhere. We find this incredible, but we've seen it happen too often to question it.
Men do not do this. Once aroused, we stay aroused until *ahem* release, with a commensurate decline in subtle reasoning and observational skills. (We also lose what small interest we had in whether peach goes with mauve.) So don't feel us up in the mall parking lot, then expect us to have a rational opinion about what you bought. All we want is for you to finish shopping and get back to feeling.
On the other hand, this means you can keep us at a fever pitch for hours or days at a time. Under the right circumstances, this can be fun. It isn't fun for us when it appears that you aren't aware you're doing that.
"Getting comfortable". Set our expectations appropriately. If you're just going to the bathroom, say so. If you say "Let me slip into something more comfortable", we're going to assume you're coming back naked, or well on the way. That's as comfortable as it gets.
"Did you come?" We understand that you hate being asked that. We're not sure why this should be so, but we accept that it is. We hate asking, and we wouldn't, but it's important to us to know. Who's going to tell us if not you? Even the most liberated woman learns at an early age to keep men guessing.You go to so much trouble to do this that sometimes we don't know what an honest reaction looks like. Be honest with us. If you didn't come, say so, and either tell us it's all right, or tell us what we might have done differently. If you did come, the fact that we asked should tell you that the signs were too subtle or unfamiliar for us. No judgment is intended: tell us what the clues are, and we'll be happy.
Men only have one kind of orgasm, and it's fairly obvious when it happens. You have a variety of orgasms centered in various body parts, of various intensities, from a mild shudder to a raise-the-rafters full-throated ejaculatory out-of-body experience. I can't tell you how envious we are of that.
LATER: Lilith responded. Bacchus summarized the back and forth thus far.
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